I wonder...

Today I woke up feeling...well you know to be honest I can't remember how I felt. I think I felt a little down but it was nothing big. My mood changed when I got to work. Put on a happy face for everyone. Don't want them knowing how horrible im feeling. Left work feeling pretty alright. I always walk to work and walk back. Only takes like 30-45 mins. I could get a train which takes  few mins but I prefer to walk. Turn my music on, have a few ciggerettes and just let my mind wonder untill I get to work.
I am very greatfull I have a job, because there is so many people who re hving trouble finding work. I thought I would cheer up and become happy when I started working but as soon as I come home I ushaly just feel so depressed. I may have calmed down alot since I was younger but Im still having those thoughts, those horrible confusing thoughts of sucide. Sometimes even murder.
I am an honest person. I don't lie unless its a white lie but this is me being serious.
I get so upset just thinking about harming my animals.
I LOVE animals but each day my mind keeps wanting me to just break their necks or hurt them. I would NEVER do it but my mind keeps wanting me to think about it and it makes me feel awful and want to punish my self for it.
Im getting emotional thinking about this now.
Yet......
Im having a slight hyper side to me right now.
I love to laugh.
Infact I apprently have a good sence of humour. I spend most of my days on Meme base. Looking at stuff like this.

hahahahahaahahhaha!!
gets me everytime!

Also now that i feel a bit ok
I might as well show you a before and after picture.

This pic here was me in Feb 2011 when i was about 14st 9lbs (Im on the left)

This was me feb 2012 at 13st 8lbs

I need to get a more recent one me. I am now 13st 3lbs

hope to get to 11stone one day.

Im more happy but I still feel so massive. Im tall aswell which doesnt help when I wear clothes.

Im 5ft 8/9 a size 16 (nearly a 14)

and bra size is 38F

I want to get to a sizw 10-12

hopefully the boobs wont get too small hahaha.

Yeah...now im just rambling on.

But thats what my blogs are all about.

Going on about shit knowone wants to hear.

Tough.

Have a nice evening take care.