They are there for you but there not?

Funny how I only seem seem to do this stuff when Im feeling down.
I have an update
My last post I said I was 13st 3 now Im 12st 9
so thats good :)
I have officaly lost 2 stone since January!
Also my laptop is finaly working again so thats good!

Anyway what Im going to ramble on about today is that.
I have friends who are there for me but I can't help having that feeling that Im alone. I just went from feeling mad and wanting to do crazy things to feeling so down and alone...its not good but I know Ill be okay.
People are always there for me without relising but sometimes I feel they just can't be botherd listning to me going on about the same problems and I understand that.
I don't exactly want a boyfriend at the moment because Im not ready for relationships yet but I sometimes I just want to be cared for a loved and made to feel beautiful because no matter how much weight I loose Im always going to feel ugly and fat not matter how much people tell me Im not.

Im not alone
but I am...

Can't think of a title...

Hola chica's y chico's!

Great Spanish eh?
Nah I know hahahaha
naebody reads this anyway which is good because I can say what ever I Like :P

Havent really posted anything as I havent really had the chance. Im terrible.
But I just want to say thanks to Kimmi for that lovely blog you did about me and our friends :D Really cheered me up.

Miss you my love <3 :D

Anyway..... My mood has been fine, I feel realy good lately I just wanna do thing now like going on holiday, going on day trips, getting hammerd, alll thatt jazzzz!
SO NO DEPRESSING BLOG TODAY WOOHOO!!

NOTE!

This is a a Blog to my friends If I miss anyone out dont be offended I just dont have the time to do EVERYONE! DON'T WORRY ILL DO THE OTHERS ON ANOTHER BLOG TOMORROW! OR THE NEXT DAY :D

Marylin

Its funny how we first became friends. You knew me as the girl with red hair and I knew you as the girl with the red jacket...over a big msn convo with college folk. I never knew that me and you would become such good friends! Started off as just saying hi when we passed each other to going out getting steaming and getting into such weird situations that we now laugh about.

We have never fallen out, we have got annoyed at each other for like a split second but its ushaly over something small and were always best friends again after we talk about it. Well to be honest thats only happened like once lol.
The times me and you would go out together with no money and sit and the bar waiting for people to buy us drinks.
The times we went back to that guys house and both of us were so sleep deprived we started playing the piano at like 7am.
The times we got lost in the west end in Glasgow at like 4am because you thought we were in "hope street"
The times we always stuck together on a night out no matter what!
The time when I lost my purce and was crying to you down the phone after a night out and you and your mum came and got me and took me home! (your mums a wee sweetheart!)
The times you would lend me bus fair to get home when I was skint and the times you would get me a happy meal from mcds or a free cheeseburger with your student card.
The times you bought me drinks when I was skint but you know I would always repay you.
We would never leave each other for a guy on a night out unless we spoke about it or agreed to it.
The mad parties and trips to chunky chicken and mcds and the times I came over to your house and we would give fake numbers to randomers on chat roulette!
The times when me nd my ex were having problems you would always confort me and tell me everything would be fine no matter what.
You were there for me when we broke up, you made me laugh and smile and you always make my day.
Marilyn don't ever leave my life because I don't know what Id do If I didnt have a friend like you!!



Rachel

Rachel. I think I met you one time when I was out having a fag in college. Don't think you liked me much then but yet you were only 16 but who knew we would become close.
We became more friendly when I would start hanging about with your class more than mine. Your a great laugh! What I love about you is that your so straight forward and to the point. You don't take the piss you just say it how it is. You give great advice and your a ball to be with. The night just isint the same when you arnt there! The times I would come up to dumbarton and we would get steaming and I would meet all your friends and we would have a good laugh. The times we would just sit and watch a movie whilst we took shots of straight vodka. The times we both sat and spoke about our problems and shared our thoughts and opinions on them. You know how to have a good time and your also very opened minded. I still remember that time you bought me those socks with the teddy on it haha! You have such great protential but your like me once too much stress happens you just leave it but you know yourself if you push yourself you can do it! I belive in you and Im glad good things are going for you now. We havent seen each other in a while but dont worry we will soon have a catch up.
I love how everytime we go out we always get into some weird situation but we laugh about it later on.
Your alot wilder than me and mar but thats what I love about you.
You were also there when I was having problems with my ex you told me it straight "clearly he doesnt care about you, i know its hard and i dont want to see u upset over him anymore, its time to move on"
Your words were stern but you were right.
Don't ever change!!
Love you Rachel!!


Kyle



Your my bro from another ho!
haha!
Again you were also always there at rough times. Your my big bro you have to be haha!
me and you are really close and can basicly tell each other anything.
The times I would come up to Paisley and chill with you, get a munch and sit and watch loads of episodes of family guy!
That time you took me to that Hotel in Killie were my mum was getting married in.
The times you have always payed for me to get in places or for my lunch or dinner but you know I always repay you once I get money :D
We always have a good Gossip together and I do enjoy our long walks with my dog.
You will also be my future flat mate and I just know its going to be great!
That time you had a Halloween party at your house in Killie and what a laugh that was!
Hahaha remember yesterday when we were chilling in the park and a dog went over and peed on a kids pram :O
Couldnt help but laugh hahahaha!
your always there when I need you and you never let me down.
I think we met each other through Kimmi and from then on we became like siblings.
I remember that time at your halloween party when we watched all the videos of everyone in your class and never relised how funny they were.
your a good guy and I am really greatfull to have you as my friend :D
Love ya brooooooo!



I shall finish this another time do not worry!

Has this made me what I am today?

Its kinda sad when Im walking home from work and its ushal around the time the school's are just out. You see 12 to 14 year olds bullying right in front of you.
I saw a boy walking in front of them and the 2 boys behind him were shouting names like "fatty" and making dog noises. It just reminds me of when I was 12.
I was a chubby child when growing up and still battling the bulge.
Its not always boys. I see the same thing happinging to girls.
In my case I was bullied off boys.
I remember being around 12 years old maybe 13. I was walking home from school and  bunch of boys lived in the same area as me so they followed me right to my house. Spitting on me throwing rocks at me calling me names like fatty and ugly and beast. I came home crying to my mum and she phoned the school. For once the school actualy did something and spoke to the boys and phoned my mum back and said "they said Cara started it" and my mum said "well what you going to do about it, I highly doubt my daughter would get wide with about 5 boys when she's herself" and their reply was "well they said she started it so it must of been her."
From that day on. I couldnt give a fuck what the school said to me. If I wanted to skip school. I would. Even when they pulled me up about it. I still did it. I hated them. Thats when my moods started changing.
I had 2 friends and a few other people I would speak to but when they were off school ill, I was alone in the playground making me a target for everyone in my year to bully. I admit I was never attacked or punched and I am greatfull for that but the words still hurt me. I still see myself as that ugly fat 12 year old. I was very different. Like I said before I was slower than alot of people. I didn't understand things as much but people that ment I was stupid. Kids don't know any better they see someone different and use it as a target. It still upsets me and sometimes I wish I could go back and beat the living shits out of everyone of them.
They think they have done nothing wrong because they dont remember. When I started getting taller, I slimmed down alot and lost a bit of my puppy fat. I was growing hips and boobs so the name "fatty" went away but it didnt stop them. I was now Ugly, crazy, stupid, smelly, beast. I grew more angry and angry but never showed it. I was 14 and very unhappy. Then me and a friend started to get into a crown around the town. The goth/emo/punk sorta crowd. They were ok people but it was the wrong crowd. Started drinking and smoking because it was the only way out of it all. I wasnt getting along with my mum that well either. We would come into school for one class then just walk out the door and use our lunch money for bus fair into town. So we wouldnt eat. I would come home around 10 at night and go straight to bed. I was basicly starving myself but not doing it intentionly. I never got skinny but you could tell I was ill. My skin was pale and I look tierd all the time. My mum found out bout it all and took me to a doctor. They didn't care that I was inches away from suicide all they cared about was that I wasn't eating. I still continued to what I was doing and whenever I went to school they started making fun of my style. I turned into a goth would dye my hair constantly and wear baggy clothes or skinny jeans and loads of eyeliner. My friend got the same but she didnt care she had her own problems to deal with. I became extraimly depressed some days I would lie in my bed to 7am then just forget school and sleep till my mum got home. I would pretend I just got in the door from school. I am open about this I was self harming. That started when I was really young but got worse at that time. I would never show my arms, I would smash glasses. take apart razers or use anything to hurt myself. Even light a candel and burn myself with the wax. Then some bad happened when I was 15. My grandpa pass away with  massive heart attack. He was like a second father to me. He was one of my best friends, he was such a good man always saw the good in people. Told me that I made him proud that one day I will be what I want to be and show everyone that Im better than what they say, but he just left...like that. That brought me down ever more. My mind was so confused I couldn't stop thinking, me and mum were constantly fighting. I stopped going to school for about a month. I did turn up for my prelims but didn't do very well in them. After that all I cared about was myself. I would leave in the morning and insted of using my lunch money for bus fair I would use it for engery juice. Not food just juice and me and my friend would walk into town as it onlytook about half an hour. I was loosing alot of weight but I was still podgy and big. My arms were destroyed with cuts and even my legs and thighs but one day I relised what I was doing was getting me knowere. I decided to go back to school and proof that Im stronger but still people would notice my arms or see the cuts through my tights and call me attention seeking and emo. I refused to do swimming which got me into n argument with my P.E teacher. I never went to my prevocational thing every friday. I just laughed at the teacher when he told me "you have no choice you HAVE to go there." I still never went. They pretending they gave a shit when they didn't so there fore I never gave a shit about them. Things got a little better when I was turning up for 16, I think alot of people were starting to mature and they were being alot more nice to me, but I was still angry. So I left weeks before my 16th.
That is nothing to what other people have been through in their lives but this still effected me.
and to this day I wonder if this is one of the reasons why Im like this?
Who knows...

I wonder...

Today I woke up feeling...well you know to be honest I can't remember how I felt. I think I felt a little down but it was nothing big. My mood changed when I got to work. Put on a happy face for everyone. Don't want them knowing how horrible im feeling. Left work feeling pretty alright. I always walk to work and walk back. Only takes like 30-45 mins. I could get a train which takes  few mins but I prefer to walk. Turn my music on, have a few ciggerettes and just let my mind wonder untill I get to work.
I am very greatfull I have a job, because there is so many people who re hving trouble finding work. I thought I would cheer up and become happy when I started working but as soon as I come home I ushaly just feel so depressed. I may have calmed down alot since I was younger but Im still having those thoughts, those horrible confusing thoughts of sucide. Sometimes even murder.
I am an honest person. I don't lie unless its a white lie but this is me being serious.
I get so upset just thinking about harming my animals.
I LOVE animals but each day my mind keeps wanting me to just break their necks or hurt them. I would NEVER do it but my mind keeps wanting me to think about it and it makes me feel awful and want to punish my self for it.
Im getting emotional thinking about this now.
Yet......
Im having a slight hyper side to me right now.
I love to laugh.
Infact I apprently have a good sence of humour. I spend most of my days on Meme base. Looking at stuff like this.

hahahahahaahahhaha!!
gets me everytime!

Also now that i feel a bit ok
I might as well show you a before and after picture.

This pic here was me in Feb 2011 when i was about 14st 9lbs (Im on the left)

This was me feb 2012 at 13st 8lbs

I need to get a more recent one me. I am now 13st 3lbs

hope to get to 11stone one day.

Im more happy but I still feel so massive. Im tall aswell which doesnt help when I wear clothes.

Im 5ft 8/9 a size 16 (nearly a 14)

and bra size is 38F

I want to get to a sizw 10-12

hopefully the boobs wont get too small hahaha.

Yeah...now im just rambling on.

But thats what my blogs are all about.

Going on about shit knowone wants to hear.

Tough.

Have a nice evening take care.

Harder than you think.

You know everyones different in there own ways. Especialy me. Because Im alot slower and not as smart as alot of people, its ok for people to make a fool of me, but they do that because its easy to upset me, or wind me up. People always say be strong don't let people walk all over you, but Im telling you it doesn't happen over night. It takes alot longer for me to understand things. No one belives that, not even my work. At school I was told I just wasn't trying and even at college. Apprently "I was expecting them to do the work for me" No. Im fucking asking you to tell me how to fucking word this essay because I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FECK IM DOING!"
I also think alot of people don't fully understand the difference from a downer to depression.
I understand that people can't be fucked reading about peoples problems but maybe they should respect that some people really do suffer even if they have good lives.
Were all messed up in the head, were all unhappy, doesnt matter if your poor or rich. There is just no pleasing you fuckers is there...
I used to be that fanny that would post shit on facebook.
"so depressed today, might kill myself"
Yeah I stopped that because people see what as attention seeking. And maybe it was because I was only 16/17 still going through at hormonal, stroppy angry teen.
Im 19 now and to be honest. I have more guts to kill myself now than when I was 16.
Its funny because I have never been dignosed with anything, not even depression.
NEVER been put on medication and I should be proud of that.
I have had therpy but I find whenever I go there they just treat me as a child.
But you know when I think positivly.
I have great friends.
Great family.
Im young and single.
I might not be the skinniest or prettiest girl but theres alot worse than me.
I have a job.
People think "OH YOU HAVE IT ALL WHY U DEPRESSED UR SO SELFISH"
blah blah blah
those are the people who clearly have no fucking idea.
Yes i may have great friends
but sometimes I feel they just dont want to talk to me because theres so much more important things they want to be doing.
Yes I have good family but even they dont seem to understand how I feel.
I know theres worse but sometimes I look in the mirror and see the most horrid looking fat girl Iv ever seen.
I may have a job but I feel like Im not good enough for it. I mess everything up. We all make mistakes but I seem to make them ALOT.
But Im still here some how.

Clearly Im here for a reason

You cant get rid of me that easy

Peace out good night x